How to Write a Bad Paper
REVISED DRAFT
Brad Huggins
English 111
Process Analysis
June 6, 2011, 2011
This essay is my own work. If I have used any outside sources, I have cited them appropriately.
How to Write a Bad Paper
Every student writes bad papers. There are some things a student may do to ensure a bad grade on any paper they may be assigned. Writing a bad paper requires poor preparation, bad organization, an inappropriate mindset, and a weak conclusion. Picking the subject is an important aspect of any paper. Chances are you don’t want to research, so just make up the necessary information as you go along. If you feel the need to cite the work of others, just make that information up as well.
First off, in order to write a really bad paper, it helps to be unprepared. Not being familiar with the syllabus helps with this; losing the syllabus completely is an even better idea. You may want to come to class late to give the teacher the impression that you aren’t taking the class seriously, assuming you show up at all. Getting the assignment second hand might also help, especially if the person giving you the directions for the assignment is unreliable or doesn’t like you.
Organization is important to any good paper, so you’ll want to be disorganized. Jump from subject to subject without any transition or connection between themes. Make abrupt transitions. Writing papers can be very tedious work, so to avoid boredom you’ll most likely want to rush through it as quickly as possible. Some students like to write while watching television, dividing attention between the homework and the far more interesting program, or writing quickly during the commercial breaks. This can add a level of excitement to an otherwise boring homework assignment as you race through the work to see how many words you can put on paper before the last jingle ends. If you really want to make a bad impression, ignore the rules the teacher gives you on formatting. A handwritten essay on notebook paper, written in pencil and crumbled into a ball should annoy your teacher to no end. You may choose to deliver your paper in a paper airplane format, but be careful to avoid putting out an eye. You probably don’t want to actually injure your teacher with your bad paper.
When you sit down to write the paper, it’s important to have the right mindset. Total panic is a major contributing factor to most bad papers. Having your mind go completely blank will assure that the paper is of the poorest possible quality. Believing one hundred percent in your own incompetence works every time, and total lack of sleep will make it difficult to focus on your task.
Ignoring all rules of grammar and spelling can really ruin an otherwise readable paper. Use the word “like” as often as possible, as a noun, adverb, adjective, or whatever suits your whim. If you get stuck trying to remember the right word to get a point across, make up a new one. Your teacher is supposed to encourage creativity. English teachers are not fans of slang, so using it throughout your paper should really bring down your grade.
Conclusions are very important, as this is your last chance to leave a bad impression on your teacher. If you have a personal insult for your teacher, this would probably be the best place to use it. You may choose to show your disapproval of the assignment the teacher has given you, or make inappropriate remarks regarding your teacher’s anatomy, hygiene or lineage. Another option is to have your bad paper end with a series of periods, implying that you have not finished your last thought. Poor preparation, disorganization, a bad mindset, bad grammar and spelling, and a conclusion that trails off will all guarantee that you will receive the worst possible grade on any paper.
